Relationships are always tough, and things don’t get any easier as time
goes on. You don’t get any better at it just because you’ve been on the
job longer. With most long-term relationships,
there are going to be periods of ennui and speed bumps of tedium along
the way. Wandering eyes can also become a problem when anyone spends the
bulk of his time with just one person. The most important thing is to
be aware of the inevitable lulls or moments of doubt, and to make a plan
to counteract them. Just because you’ve been together a long time
doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun being in the relationship.
We’ve all heard that a relationship “takes work,” but what does that mean exactly?
Frankly, it sounds like drudgery.
Who wants to spend hours at an office only to come home to job number
two? Wouldn’t it be more pleasant to think of your relationship as a
source of comfort, fun, and pleasure?
Of course it would. That said, here
are some basic fixes if things feel stagnant, if the good times are
becoming few and far between, if arguing is your main form of
communication, or if you just feel that you need a tune-up. And they
might even be enjoyable.
1. Don’t argue over money : It’s
practically a guaranteed relationship killer. If you haven’t yet had a
conversation about how money is earned, spent, saved, and shared, do it
now. Try to get an understanding of how each of you sees your financial life, and where the differences are. Then address them.
2. Try not to focus on trifles :
Is it worth fighting about? More to the point, is it really a trifle?
Often a seemingly minor issue is a manifestation of a larger problem.
Talk about what’s really bothering you, instead of how loud the TV is.
3. Share your thoughts: Your
hopes. Your fears. Your passions. Let your partner know who you
really are. Set aside some time each day just to talk about the things
that are important to each of you, as individuals.
4. Be friendly: Treat your partner the way you’d treat a good and trusted friend: with respect, consideration, and kindness.
5. Resolve arguments together: When couples fight, it’s all too easy to get locked into a win/lose dynamic.
Think of your disagreement as a problem for you both to solve, not a
fight for you to win. Think of saying “we” before giving into the
temptation of casting blame on the other person.
6. Show affection daily: Sex
is one thing. Holding hands, a hug, a squeeze on the arm – all create
connection and trust. If you’re not getting as much attention as you
want, let it be known.
7. Focus on the positive: What do you appreciate about your partner? What first attracted you? What do you treasure about your life together?
8. Be supportive: Nothing kills a buzz like a negative or absent response to something you’re enthusiastic about.
9. Words plus deeds: Saying “I love you” carries much more weight when you consistently do things that your partner values.
10. Recognize that all relationships have ups and downs: Think
long-term. Your relationship is an investment, like the stock market.
Ride out the down times. With the right kind of attention, they will
be temporary.
11. Respect each other when arguing: It
is all too tempting to use whatever ammunition you’ve got in the heat
of battle. Ask yourself, where will it get you? A partner who is
likely to come to your side, or one who will get even more defensive?
Ask your partner how he or she sees the problem.
12.Have each other’s back: and let that be known.
13. Set goals as a couple: Talk about how you want your relationship to look in a year, five years, ten years. Then work toward that goal.
14. Make your partner a priority: That is why you’re in this relationship in the first place.